


I Just Kinda Wish You Were Gay (But Actually Gay And With Reddie)

by GlitterFairy_21225



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Eddie Kaspbrak, Canon Gay Character, Derry (Stephen King) is Terrible, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier-centric, Gay, Gay Panic, Gay Richie Tozier, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oblivious Eddie Kaspbrak, POV Richie Tozier, Pining, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier is a Mess, Songfic, Teenage Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:55:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22202197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitterFairy_21225/pseuds/GlitterFairy_21225
Summary: 'I just kinda wish you were gay.' Richie wants to tell him.'I just kinda wish you were gay.' Richie doesn't tell him.'I just kinda wish you were gay.' Richie can never tell him.XXXRichie loves Eddie more than he's supposed to, but he's cursed to watch the boy he loves walk away.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 5
Kudos: 120





	I Just Kinda Wish You Were Gay (But Actually Gay And With Reddie)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is technically a songfic, but the lyrics are a part of the story, not in between paragraphs in italics. Like, the lyrics are there, but I don't think that anyone who hasn't heard the song will be TOO jarred. Does that make sense?

"Baby, I don't feel so good." Richie murmurs. Six words Eddie's never understood, and probably never will. Eddie ignores him and instead works on fixing his collar. He smells of cologne, and looks especially good at the moment. Richie quickly looks at anything else, pushing away the thought.

"Yeah, I know, I know." Eddie shakes his head, muttering about the time.

"Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Eds!" Richie snickers, pushing down the aching feeling he always gets whenever Eddie... exists.

"Don't call me 'Eds'!" He snaps back, but before Richie can get another word in, he hears the door close.

Eddie left.

'I'll never let you go.' Five fucking words that his idiotic mind allows him to imagine Eddie saying. Five words he'll never say. Because Eds- Eddie isn't like him, Eddie's not sick.

He stays awake that night, unable to fall asleep.

Eddie's first date, and maybe first girlfriend, shouldn't be such a big deal, but it is. Because now he's alone. With his thoughts. Fuck. He knows there's something wrong with him. And he probably needs help, but in order to get help, he'd have to tell someone, which he can't, because fuck. And the sad part is that he'd probably take holding Eddie's hand over help because fuck.

The hours pass slowly, and Richie comes up with jokes and laughs at himself alone like nothing's wrong, all the while pushing away thoughts of what it might be like to kiss Eduardo Kaspbrak, how his lips would feel on Richie's, how his skin would feel on Richie's. And thoughts of how 'rotten' and 'dirty' those thoughts were, and thoughts of how much Eddie would probably be disgusted with him if he ever knew.

His illness is strong, and he struggles to just keep the whole 'Not being attracted to girls, but having the opposite problem with guys' thing under wraps.

He brags to his friends about his sexual prowess with other women when in reality, he couldn't want to be with a girl less. Though he cares very much about Eddie being with a girl.

Eddie kinda dates Susie Cook for two miserable months. In that time is occasionally the longest time they spend apart. Once, on a long weekend, they go without talking for four whole days. Four days have never felt so long.

Normal, not sick couples always say three's a crowd, and there's only two of RichieandEddie, so clearly, someone slipped away.

Sometimes it feels like the universe is laughing at him.

The thought of Eddie with Sydney, or some other normal girl, or really anyone else makes something under his skin boil and Richie groans. He just wants to be with Eddie, sick as it is, and be the one to touch him, and be the one he goes to and tells everything, and be the one who makes him feel okay.

But all that would ever lead to watching the boy he loves look the other way at some girl who's probably awful anyways, and doesn't deserve him. But Sally is a girl, and therefore she has the natural advantage over stupid, gay Trashmouth. And so the only thing Richie can respectfully do is leave them to it, and not tell him how much he wants to stay with him. With Eddie. In a hammock. Or in Richie's room. Or maybe they could go to the kissing bridge and then stay there for the night.

Or at least how much he wishes he didn't wanna stay.

He imagines how that might go over. 'Hey Eddie Spaghetti! Have I ever mentioned how much I just kinda wish you were gay? Because I do. A lot."

Is there a reason he's not through with whatever he feels (love) for the impossible heartache that is Eddie Kaspbrak? Is there a twelve step just to get over an Eddie Kaspbrak addiction? Even the bare minimum of conversation's are all in blue when looking back on them. Because seriously, how does saying 'hey' eleven times in a row just to annoy each other put so many butterflies in his stomach.

He's sick. He's so sick. His sick head can't stop turning completely platonic, friendly, brotherly really, dude stuff into shit that it's not. Because Eddie can never feel the same. Nor should he. But what if he ever did? There are ten fingers he has trying to tear out his hair in frustration.

Maybe it's persistent, but Richie keeps asking for more Eddie time. Richie feels insane without him. There are nine times total that Eds never made it there.

He knows because he fucking counted.

Richie eats dinner alone at 7 at some diner, Eddie is six minutes away on a date with someone else. Yay.

It's not the butterflies in his stomach, really. The thing is, how is Richie supposed to make his best friend feel okay when all he does is walk the other way with fucking Sherry?

And then on one sleepless night, there are taps on his window. Confused, Richie peels back his curtains and sees Eddie on the other side.

"Eds, what?" Richie asks groggily, helping him inside.

Once he is inside and on his feet, Eddie immediately leaps forward and jumps into Richie's arms. 

"Woah! Woah, hey? No, hey, don't cry!" He says, stroking Eddie's hair and rocking him back and forth without thinking, like he was meant to do just that.

"Sophie and I broke up." Eddie tells him, tucking his head in the crook of Richie's neck.

"Oh." Richie says dumbly. "Eds, I-"

"Shut up." Eddie says, but his arms tighten around Richie's body.

Slowly, Richie walks them backwards, and they flop onto the bed. Eddie never lets go of him, even as Richie pulls back the covers and lays both of them down on his bed.

But when the covers are over them and Eddie is silent, Richie can only silently freak out because he has Eddie in his arms and in his bed, but he doesn't want to freak him out or anything.

"She's probably a lesbian." Richie offers, ignoring the hypocrisy. "And she never deserved you anyway."

Not that Richie does either. But then again, no one can probably ever deserve Eddie Kaspbrak. That much at least he and fucking Sonia Kaspbrak can agree on. Certainly not a fairy like Richie.

At that, Eddie chuckles wetly, and Richie can feel it as Eddie's body is still pressed against his wonderfully. And he loves it. Loves that he made Eddie laugh and loves that he could feel exactly how Eddie's body reacted to his joke.

Soon enough, they go silent, the only sound being the sound of their deep breaths. Eddie's head is slumped on his shoulder and Richie is more comfortable at night than ever before.

Taking a chance, Richie presses an experimental kiss on Eddie's forehead. Eddie stirs, and Richie holds his breath. But then nothing happens. Eddie doesn't question him, or call out the queerness of his behavior. If anything he just smiles. Richie feels his heart clench at the sight. Eddie looks so peaceful, and so, so beautiful.

Curled up over Eddie's body, Richie realizes that this is the place he wants to be for the rest of his fucking life. If they never get up from this position, Richie would be completely fine. He wants this to be the rest of his life if it can be.

'I can't tell you how much I wish I didn't wanna stay.' Richie thinks again.

"Why do you wish you don't wanna stay?" Eddie asks suddenly.

"What?" He murmurs.

"You just said you wish you don't want to be here? Which- I mean I guess it's better than not wanting to stay at all, but-"

Richie's eyes shoot wide open. "Oh... I said that out loud?" He says louder this time.

Eddie nods, eyebrows wrinkled adorably. He's drowsy, about to fall asleep, but Richie knows he'll need an answer. But god he's so cute. Who told him he could be so cute- focus, Richie.

"Uh- I just meant that..." Richie struggles for words. "Well, I haven't finished that project that's due tomorrow, and I was gonna all-night it, but now I'm comfy."

Eddie suddenly perks up, suddenly more awake. "Do you mean that triangle thing for algebra? Damn it Richie, we were given two weeks plus all of spring break!"

"Spring break is not for homework!" Richie argues. Eddie pushes himself up. "Hey where you going, Eds?" He asks, already missing the feeling of Eddie's body laying on his.

"Don't call me Eds. I'm helping you finish your fucking project, dipshit. You can belch an entire song about loogies twice in five minutes but you can't finish a fucking diagram in three weeks."

They stay awake for another hour working on his project. And sitting across from Eddie, Richie is too drowsy to tell the beating of his heart to fuck off.

'Sweet Jesus, I just kinda wish you were gay.' Richie thinks to himself, making sure he isn't actually saying it out loud. Because he can never say it out loud. Ever. He might actually die if that ever happens. Honestly, he probably got lucky the first time around. At least now he can turn a project on time for once.

But what if he did? What if Richie confessed everything to Eddie. Would Eddie look at him in disgust? Would he want to get him 'help' like Richie's mother had been hinting at even though Richie hasn't even told her yet?

No, he wouldn't. Eddie would be nice about it. Eds May be a bigger asshole than Henry Bowers but the difference is that one is a demon with a heart of gold, and the other was just a serial killer wannabe with a mullet. Eddie's better than that. He'd be nice about it. He'd never say or do anything to hurt him.

But is that really so comforting? What would he be willing to say just to spare Richie's pride? To give his lack of interest an explanation?

God, Richie can almost see Eddie's reaction now. The awkwardness on his beautiful face as he struggles to find the right words to let Richie down gently. He doesn't want to hear Eddie say Richie's not his type, but fuck, that's best case scenario, right?

Maybe he could survive it. If Eddie at least still wants to be friends. If Eddie just says, 'Thanks but no thanks. You're not my preferred sexual orientation.'

Because he isn't.

He's so selfish. Wanting Eddie all for himself when he deserves better. Deserves a girl, because that's obviously what Eddie wants, and that's for the best. Because they live in fucking Derry. So why is this still a question?

Because of the way Eddie looks up at him in a soft moment, no teasing, no cursing, just two boys. Because of the way Eddie will tell him to shut the fuck up and then growls when someone outside of their group does the same, and he feels so loved, so protected. And all he wants to do is feel like that forever. Yeah, he's fucking selfish. But Eddie makes him feel helpless, so yeah, sue him.

The days pass and Eddie quickly gets the fuck over What's-Her-Face. Richie should be relieved, but he knows from the way their other friends go through girlfriends like nothing that it won't last forever. There will be other Sadie's. Other girls Eddie will love more than him.

He should probably get a girlfriend himself. Save face, and maybe eventually get over these stupid feelings he has but could never ever act on. Maybe Richie is just confused, and the truth is he just needs a sweet enough girl to get rid of the way his fucking heart pounds whenever Eddie so much as looks at him.

So why does the thought make him feel so sick?

He can't stand this. It feels like Richie choking on his own repression. He sees the way all his friends talk about girls they'll never get, and wishes he could give a damn how short that cheerleader's skirt is. But he does get it. Does know what it's like to want someone you're doomed to never have. And he can't stand another day full of straight jokes he couldn't mean less. Stand another day of not declaring how much he loves Eddie.

Because he does. He wasn't sure if homosexuality involved love too, but he knows now. Richie loves Eddie. He has for awhile. Since before high school, and before murderous clowns, and before a carving appeared on the Kissing Bridge reading 'R+E'.

Richie just wants to make Eddie feel okay. But all he does is look the other way.

He can't even say how much he wishes he didn't wanna stay because, god, he's so perfect, and so so beautiful.

And one night, a few months after his breakup with Sandy, which have gloriously been Eddie Kaspbrak Girlfriend Free, when Eddie's head drops on his shoulder, Richie accepts it, he accepts he's doomed. He's been doomed. He probably has been since he met Eddie in goddamn Mommy & Me fifteen fucking years ago, so why the fuck would that change anytime soon?

'I just kinda wish you were gay.' Richie wants to tell him.

'I just kinda wish you were gay.' Richie doesn't tell him.

'I just kinda wish you were gay.' Richie can never tell him.

Eddie looks up at him and bites his lip. Richie tries to act normal and clear his mind, perhaps afraid that Eddie had somehow gotten the ability to read minds in the past few hours.

"I'm bisexual." Eddie confides in him, sounding meeker than he normally is. "And- and I don't want to freak you out, but sometimes, I- I just kinda wish you were too. Bi, I mean."

What the fuck?

"Richie?" Eddie asks, sounding afraid.

"What?" He sounds dumb. He probably is.

"I-I'm sorry, Rich, I don't know what I was thinking... I-I-."

Richie surges forward, kissing him. Eddie kisses back. Richie pumps a fist in the air.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I heard this song, started to write a Reddie fic about it, as you do, and then I learned that it wasn't even about two gay people. It was about a girl who wishes some guy was gay to make sense of why he didn't like her back. I'm not kidding. But by then I was like 1000 words in, so I just figured 'why not?'


End file.
